Claire,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but I’m joining the Convent. I think I realized it when you put cuffs on me, In your closet and I saw you pull the pants off of The Montreal Canadian’s goalie.
I'm sure you're Frostbitten enough to understand that there is no solution to you being a dumbass.
I'm returning The couch cushions to you, but I'll keep The results of that blood-sample as a memory.
You should also know that I Get sick when I think of your feet and Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird.

Warm tingly sensations,
Jacki


1. What's the colour of your shirt?
Blue - Our romance is over
Red - Our affair is over
White – I’m joining the Convent
Black - I dislike your eyelashes
Green - Our socks don't match
Grey - You're a pervert
Yellow - I'm selling myself for candy
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - You're mean
Other - I'm in love with your cat

2. Which is your birth month?
January - That night you picked your nose
February - Last year when you peed your pants
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on peanut butter
May - When I threw up in your sock drawer
June - When you put cuffs on me
July – When you smacked my ass
August - When I saw the purple monkey
September - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
October - When I quoted Forest Gump
November - When your dog humped my leg
December - When I finally changed my underwear

3. Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - In your apartment
Lasagna- In your car
Pasta - Outside of your office
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Chicken - In your closet
Kebab - With Jean Chrétien
Fish - In a clown suit
Sandwiches - At the Elton John concert
Pizza - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a street light
Annat- With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4. What's the colour of your socks?
Yellow - Hit on
Red - Insult
Black - Ignore
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - Put whipped cream on
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the pants off of
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive over

5. What's the colour of your underwear?
Black - My boyfriend
White - My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – Your ‘My Little Pony’ collection
Purple - My corned beef hash
Red – My knee caps
Blue - My salt-beef bucket
Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange - My uterus
Pink – The Montreal Canadian’s goalie
None – My prized statue of Michael Jackson in the nude
Other - The elephant in the corner

6. What do you prefer to watch on TV?
Scrubs; Man
O.C.; Emotional
One Tree Hill; Open
Heroes; Frostbitten
Lost; High
House; Sly
Simpsons; Cowardly
The news; Scarred
Idol; Masochistic
Family Guy; Senile
Top Model; Middle-class
Annat; Ashamed

7. Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful you are
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That Santa doesn't exist
Angry - That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we’re related
Excited - That I may pee my pants
Nervous - The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried - That your Ford sucks
Apathetic - That you need a sex-change
Ashamed - That I'm allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly - That your driving sucks
Silly - That there is no solution to you being a dumbass
Other - That I get turned on by garbage men

8. What's the colour of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your toe ring
Yellow - Your love letters to me
Red - Your Elton John poster
Black - Your pet rock
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - The pictures from Vegas
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your nose hair clippers
Grey - Our matching snoopy underwear
Purple - Your old New Kids on the Block blanket
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your car

9. The first letter of your first name?
A/B - Your photo with the moustache drawn on it
C/D - The oil tank from your car
E/F - Your neighbour’s dog and fish
G/H - My virginity and your boxers
I/J - The results of that blood-sample
K/L - Your left ear and right shoe
M/N - Your suicide note and virginity
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X – Your glass eye
Y/Z - Your credit cards

10. The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
C/D - Never will forget that night
E/F - Always wanted to break your legs
G/H – Hate your cooking
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L - Will tell the authorities that you did not steal that whale in the back yard
M/N - Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P - Was interviewed about the car you stole
Q/R - Always will remember the pep talks
S/T - Get sick when I think of your feet
U/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X - Haven’t showered in a month
Y/Z – Am better off without you

11. What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon
Soda – I will haunt you when I’m incarnated as an Egg
Milk - The apartment building is on fire
Water – Thanks for the Cocaine
Cider – I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war
Mineral water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked
Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey - I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer – I'm scratching my ass as you read this
Other – you should stop picking your nose

12. To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations
Japan - Best of luck on the sex-change
France - Love always
Spain - Go drown yourself
China – You make me sick
Germany – Please don’t hurt me
Australia - Go milk a cow
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
USA - Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt –Kiss my ass
England– With tears of sadness

NOW ITS YOUR TURN!

Dear (friend`s name),

I don't really know how to tell you this, but (_1_). I think I realized it when (_2_), (_3_) and I saw you (_4_) (_5_).
I'm sure you're (_6_) enough to understand that (_7_).
I'm returning (_8_) to you, but I'll keep (_9_) as a memory.
You should also know that I (_10_) and (_11_).

(_12_)
(Your name)